A Goddess on Earth
by LittleTera
Summary: Mary Sue, formerly Renesmee, always knew she was the most perfect person the world had ever seen. However, some people might disagree, and as these heroes set out to rid the world of this horror, expect chaos, blood and VIOLENT CHARACTER DEATH to ensue.
1. Perfection

**This is ANTI-TWILIGHT (or at least ANTI-RENESMEE)!!!!! Hate me if you want, but I'm fed up of Twilight. So I decided to write this, for all you people out there who are sick of the whole hype about the sparkly vampires. And the horrors of Breaking Dawn - don't get me started on that...**

**If you love Twilight, please don't read this. It is a Mary Sue parody on Renesmee. If you don't know what a Mary Sue is, look at this article, which details what a Mary Sue is and how to recognise one in your own writing: **_**http(colon)(forward slash)(forward slash)cei(dash)ellem(dot)deviantart(dot)com(forward slash)art(forward slash)Murdering(dash)Mary(dash)Sue(dash)8355684**_

**This was inspired by Ceilo's story _Bella's New Name_. Read it - it's VERY funny if you don't like Twilight.**

**Disclaimer: If Stephenie Meyer has even heard of a Mary Sue, I will be surprised. In other words, I am not Stephenie Meyer *everyone is surprised* and I don't own Twilight. Luckily for me. Because if I did, I would have had plastic surgery, changed my name, and gone into hiding to escape the shame.**

**Also, when Renesmee says her age, she says her proper age first, then her outside age, like this: 3/12**

* * *

I opened my chocolate-brown eyes and gazed at the white painted ceiling. It was still very early. As my super-sensitive hearing told me, all was quiet in the cottage, but I could hear a lark singing in the oak tree just outside the thick walls of the cottage. I wondered where Momma and Daddy were; I supposed they might have gone to the big house.

I got out of my warm bed and padded on bare feet towards the tiny living room, which was bathed in the pink dusky light from the sunrise. I stood by the window for a moment, savouring the warmth and as always wondering at the soft sparkle of my lovely white skin.

There was a note on the table; I had no problem reading it from the other side of the room. Having super-strength vampire sight could be very useful sometimes.

_Dear Nessie,_

_We have gone hunting. We'll be back soon. We love you, darling._

_Lots of love, Momma and Daddy xxx_

I smiled. _Darling!_ Momma and Daddy insisted on babying me, even though I was about 14 on the outside. I mean, having attained the highest grade possible at senior-grade exams when I had taken them three years ago (at the age of 1/10), I really _could_ look after myself. Jacob was the same. They all seemed to treat me like I was my proper age - four years old last August. I didn't like being patronised, but I understood the reason for their concern. They loved me, that was their reason. (And who could blame them for loving me?) Suddenly I heard the soft sound of a passage through the trees. Whoever it was were still about a mile away, but, again with my super-senses, I could vaguely smell a sort of woody, musky odour. Jacob?

My heart lifted. We could enjoy a few minutes of peace together before my parents arrived. Daddy always seemed to be around whenever Jacob came over. If I was less super-intelligent, I wouldn't have been able to figure it out, but as it was, I had deduced at the age of two and a half days that Daddy didn't want Jakey to take away his daughter. So he always watched us, or at least listened to our thoughts.

"Nessie? Are you awake, sugarplum?"

Jacob's voice filtered through the partly-open window, disturbing my reverie.

"Jakey! You came!!" I squealed, running out of the door and jumping into his arms. As always, he looked at me like a blind man seeing the sun. Maybe because of my uncommon beauty, or my generosity, or simply my absolute perfection......

Anyway, I had a more pressing matter to discuss with my sweetheart.

"Jakey?" I looked into his adoring brown eyes, with just the right amount of flirtation - fluttering my long soft eyelashes, pouting slightly.

"Yes, darling?"

That word again!!

"Well, I was thinking......I don't really think _Nessie_ is a good enough name for me. Do you? It's too......vulgar, and short, for someone as amazing as me, don't you think?"

"Um, well, what were you thinking of instead?"

"Something along the lines of Mary Sue? 'Cause I don't know why, but I just really like that name," I replied.

Jacob frowned. "Mary Sue? Um, well, yeah, that's cool. I'm always happy with whatever you choose."

"You like it?! Yay!!!!" I squealed again, throwing my arms around his neck.

"Hey, Ren- um, Mary Sue, d'you want to hunt?" he asked with a teasing light in his eye. "But I get a head start, okay?!"

* * *

We arrived back from the hunt a couple of hours later, not a speck of blood on either of us. At first my hunting had been slightly messy, but as I got older and more sophisticated, I would arrive home still looking as perfect as I had left it. I still preferred human blood, but Carlisle couldn't always get some, and anyway, hunting with my darling werewolf was too much of an offer to pass up.

I was going shopping with Auntie Alice and Auntie Rosalie later today, because my clothes were almost down to three wardrobes-full. I mean, seriously. How was I supposed to match my clothes right if I only had that many? My aunts doted on me, and loved to buy me new clothes. Auntie Alice always said that when Momma was human, she hated it when they played 'Guinea-Pig Barbie' on her. But I loved being the centre of attention. It always felt so right - I mean, someone as perfect as me should always be in the spotlight. Wouldn't you agree?

After all, I am the most perfect, special, beautiful, kind, exquisite, smart, perfect, lovable, wonderful, amazing, lovely, perfect, fantastic, brilliant, graceful, funny, charming, gorgeous, perfect and incredible person ever to have been born. So it's best, really.

* * *

**Reviews, especially flames, are welcome.**


	2. Shopping

Yes, so, as I was being very modest about myself, I began to detect the sound of Auntie Alice and Auntie Rosalie approaching the cottage.

"Renesmee!" I heard Alice's tinkly voice, like sleigh bells. Of course, it didn't quite sound as good as mine, but still. I thought about grinding my teeth in response to the name she had called me, but then I remembered that grinding teeth was so incredibly unattractive.

"Well, Auntie Alice...I sort of changed my name to Mary Sue. Because I think I suits me better. I don't know why, but it just..._does_."

"Yes," replied Alice, "I know _exactly_ what you mean. Anyway, me and Rose have come to take you shopping. Then, we'll take you to the ice rink so you can practice for the National Ice Skating competition coming up, then we're going to the bookshop, because you've read all the twenty books that we bought for you last week. After that, we might go to the leisure centre for some trampolining and diving practice. Then, if we've got time, we'll go and have a coffee. OK?"

I smiled at the thought of doing a few of my favourite hobbies, the perfect white brilliance of my teeth making Alice and Rosalie look dull and boring in comparison. "OK! Let's go!"

* * *

As I walked through the shops, I couldn't help noticing the admiring glances I was getting from most of the boys, and the jealous glances I was getting from all the girls. Well. It was only natural that they would be jealous. As for the boys, they didn't have a hope in hell. I already had the most perfect partner in the world. Well, actually, I think Jacob has the most perfect partner in the world, but let's not be pedantic.

"Hey, Ren- I mean Mary Sue, how do you like this dress?" Auntie Rose asked me. It was short and hot pink, with ruffles and a low neckline. I could immediately see myself in it, looking great, as usual.

"Yes, I'll go and try it on."

As I walked to the changing rooms, I noticed two girls staring at me. They were very plain-looking (although, perhaps I'm just a little bit biased) and they was staring at me in...horror? How rude. And totally inappropiate, anyway.

* * *

Tera's POV

Mana (my Twilight-hating, manga-obsessed friend) and me were on holiday in Seattle. Well, not exactly on holiday. The most stupid decision of our lives had been taking Art for GCSE - I mean, the amount of work involved was ridiculous - and our teacher, the dippy Miss Drew, had insisted that the Art students had a trip all the way to Seattle. I couldn't believe that she was making us come into this shop. We all had to bring our cameras and photograph clothes that we would have liked to have designed. So far, my camera had all of two pictures on it - and and both were when Mana fell over, bringing a whole rack of expensive dresses down with her.

I mean, seriously, this shop had to be the most expensive, posh clothes store on the planet, let alone in the shopping centre! All the clothes were extortionately priced - I think the cheapest thing was a pair of socks for $35 or something ridiculous - and us, two schoolgirls, couldn't have stood out more.

"Hey, Tera! Come see this dress! It's absolutely horrible!"

Mana was obviously having the time of her life, surrounded by clothes that she was laughing at and prancing around with.

"Er, Mana?" I hissed. "We came here, yeah? Now can we g..." I tailed off as I realised that a stunningly beautiful teenaged girl was walking towards us, holding a pink dress (which was pretty nasty, by the way). OK, after reading Twilight, I promised to myself I would never spend pointless paragraphs describing someone's fantactically good looks using fantastically soppy words, but this girl was... Well, let's just say she was turning heads.

"Who the heck is that?" Mana wondered. Then she sniggered. "Nice dress," she said sarcastically.

"No idea... hey, I think I heard those two other women calling her...'Renmary sue'? Was that it? Or was it Mary Sue? They probably have no idea how ironic that is..."

Mana suddenly decided that she wanted to go and see a dress suspiciously near to where the two beautiful, pale-skinned women were standing. Unwillingly, I followed.

"...Yes, Rose, but she's so gorgeous, don't you think?" the dark-haired one was saying to the blonde one. Blonde-haired Rose?_ Pale_ _skin?_ Looking at Mana, I realised that she had come to the same conclusions as I had. Were these people the supposedly fictional Cullens?

'Renmary sue' arrived then, trilling, "Auntie Alice, Auntie Rose, I want this one!"

"OK, Renesmee dearest," Rose replied, _(Oh my god! It _was_ Renesmee!)_ bestowing a glowing smile on the girl I was beginning to like less and less. She pouted like a spoilt brat.

"Auntie Rose, I don't want to be called Renesmee any more, remember? My name is Mary Sue now."

Me and Mana looked at each other before bursting into laughter. How appropriate was a name like Mary Sue for a person like Renesmee?

* * *

Those two annoying schoolgirls caught up with me as we left the store. "Hey, excuse me? Are you Mary Sue?" The dark one sniggered.

"Yes..." I replied cautiously, "Do I know you?"

They grinned at each other. Then the blonde one said, "Actually, it's more of a case of do _we_ know _you_. Have you ever heard of someone called Stephenie Meyer?"

I froze. They knew my secret.

* * *

**Oooooooooh........cliffy........**

**Please review? Even flames are welcome! **


	3. Discovered

**Please review, especially flames - I find them funny! I got this rather amusing one for Chapter 1:**

you are so stupid if i were friends with you id be in shame and be hiding did you know * that new moon is the best  
movie in canada and your just one big fat loser*

**This person's name being 'Twilight girl vampire girl'... such an original name... I really wonder where all these people get their inspiration from?...**

**And, because I am 'just one big fat loser', I decided to post the next chapter.**

* * *

"S-Stephenie Meyer?" I stuttered_. I __stuttered__?! OMR!! I can't believe I did that - so unattractive!_

"Um, yes. The idiot who thought up Twilight. And proceeded to mind-rape thousands of teenage girls around the planet with her ridiculous stories of _sparkling vampires_," one of them snorted with disgust.

"But anyway," the other one continued. "We just thought you looked a bit like the horror – uh, I mean one of the characters in the book."

True, they weren't the first to notice that. I'd had many people come up to me, saying things like, "Oh my god, you look like Renesmee! You are so lucky, I wish I did!" After telling them that the correct phrase was OMR (Oh my Renesmee – because I am perfect enough to be a goddess, after all), and flashing one of my dazzling smiles, which usually left them dazzled for a couple of minutes, I just told them that I was lucky to have been born looking like perfection.

But nobody had ever made the connection between me and Stephenie Meyer before.

"Of course not!" I smiled. "It's just a story, after all."

"Good," the dark-haired one muttered. "Because if it was real, I might just have to kill myself."

They left, still muttering to each other.

I frowned. After writing the books at the age of 2/12, and having them published under the pseudonym Stephenie Meyer, I had made sure that the 'Cullens' were unrecognisable as our family. I had (very cleverly, if I say so myself) written the story so it was set in a place where we didn't live! And I had changed our surname, but left our first names as they were. I had paid a lot of money to hire a woman who would pretend to be 'Stephenie Meyer' at book signings and things like that.

When the books came out, even I couldn't have predicted their success. I mean, obviously they would have been pretty successful, written by me and all that, but they shot to the top of all the bestseller lists. The only thing that annoyed me was having to stand back and let 'Stephenie Meyer' take the glory and bask in the glow of _my_ talent.

Momma had helped me write the story of her human life, meeting Daddy, and becoming a vampire, although we changed some of the details so that it wouldn't be too obvious to anyone that had known her at high school. I saved the best till last – my birth, and my defeat of the Volturi when they came to destroy me. (I still can't understand why anyone would want to.)

And now these two little idiots were about to ruin everything I'd worked so hard for! Imagine if they'd realised that I had written Twilight… they could tell all the newspapers and the whole vampire world would be discovered. We'd all be destroyed!

I had to get back to the big house and tell my family what had happened.

* * *

Me and Mana were amazed. In a bad way. We had actually _met_ the horror. (That's Renesmee, by the way.) _TWILIGHT WAS __REAL_. The dreadfulness of this was enough to make us feel sick.

What were we going to do now? Well, the first step would be to go to the Volturi and ask for their help in destroying the horror. Then we could come back to America and get rid of it.

It sounded like a plan. The only problem was… we were on a school trip. In an unknown place. Supervised by teachers. There was no way we could just pop across to Italy, source the help of three very dangerous and human-eating vampires, then fly back again and destroy a perfectly innocent (in the eyes of everyone else) girl.

It called for desperate measures. This was an exceptional circumstance. The future of the world was at stake! Imagine if 'Stephenie Meyer' decided to bring out another series of books… The thought was too ghastly to imagine.

We lied to our art teacher, Miss Drew, telling her that we had to visit one of our relatives in Italy, who was on her deathbed, and that we would be back soon. Being a little dippy and impractical, she agreed, and we flew out of America on the following morning, having sourced a flamethrower on the way. (Don't ask. Mana has connections.)

I won't bore you with the details of our flight, but we arrived in Italy feeling very sore, cramped and tired. We got the train to Volterra. And let me tell you now, those flamethrowers are damn heavy. Carrying one on the train was no picnic. And the hassle we went through trying to smuggle it into the airport!

We had sent an email to Caius before we left America (right up to date, these ancient vampires), knowing that he was the one who wanted to destroy Renesmee the most.

_To:  
From: _

_Dear Caius,_

_We know where Renesmee, your enemy, is living. We are concerned for the future of the world if she is allowed to remain alive. She has published a series of books which reveal dangerous details of the vampire world. We would like to meet with you and discuss how best to get rid of her. (We have a flamethrower.)_

_So that we have a guarantee of our safety, we have left details of you and the vampire world with a friend. If we do not return, they will spread the information and you will be hunted down and massacred. If you cooperate, however, we will destroy the information._

_We will arrive at the Volturi castle soon. Please inform Marcus and Aro of our visit so they don't try and eat us when we walk through the door._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Tera and Mana_

Whoever said blackmail didn't work?

* * *

**Reviews are welcomed - yes, especially flames**.


	4. Action

So, we got to Volterra, and… let's just say a lot of hysterical screaming went on. Mana was hyperventilating.

"Oh. My. God. It's the Volturi. I cannot believe this."

Aro looked at us, grinned weirdly and said, "Hello. You must be the Renesmee-haters. Welcome to Volterra."

Mana was so pleased at finally meeting Aro (he was her favourite character when we forced ourselves to read the books) that she ran at him, threw her arms around him, and knocked him to the floor. He was so shocked at being attacked by a teen fangirl that he just stood still (like _stone_… ha ha… geddit?). Marcus and Caius looked faintly amused – until she turned on them.

This was funny enough – imagine when Mana touched Aro's hand. It was honestly the funniest thing I have ever seen. I don't want to imagine what she was thinking at that moment, but it must have been fairly perverted, because Aro's head kind of snapped back, and the only expression on his face was shock. Mana laughed evilly and told him she enjoyed making him squirm.

But we didn't have any time to spare if we wanted to destroy the horror, and we got down to business right away. Marcus thought we should lay an ambush for it, Caius thought we should just open fire on it and its relatives in public, and Aro thought we should kidnap it and bring it back to live in Volterra, and force it to marry him, 'because it would be such a waste to destroy her'. This shocked even Mana's dirty mind. We always knew he was a pervert. But the rest of us agreed we had to get rid of the horror permanently.

The only question was – how? We couldn't really just attack it in public – we'd get arrested, which was not exactly on our plan. Marcus suggested we should send a message to it, telling it that the Twilight Saga had won the prestigious Book of the Century Award. (We made it up, but we reckoned that the horror would be so pleased to have won the prize that she wouldn't go too deep into it.)

There was another decision to be made – how many of the other vampires would we want to destroy? Obviously, Bella had to go, and Edward too. Mana and I wanted to leave Jacob, the Volturi wanted to 'murder all the wet dogs' (in Caius' words), but we told them that the flamethrower was ours and we would be deciding who got flamed.

Eventually, we drew up a list:

To destroy: The horror (Renesmee), Bella, Edward, Emmett (too strong to let live), and Jasper (too good at fighting).  
To let live: Rosalie (we reckoned she'd come to her senses once the horror was gone), Alice (ditto), Jacob (who would get over his imprint and maybe fall in love with Leah!!), Carlisle (a good vampire, apart from having created Edward), and Esme.

Aro kept going on about his plan to marry Renesmee, until we put superglue on his hand and glued it to Mana's. That shut him up.

We stayed in Volterra for three days, during which Mana managed to annoy Aro almost to insanity. Here's something I bet you didn't know – Aro has Facebook. I know. Pretty amazing, huh? And I thought my gran was up to date. But anyway, Aro kept going on Facebook whenever Mana was around, so he could pretend he was busy. This backfired on him when she saw him logging in, memorised his password, and then used it the next day to post 'I AM AN IDIOT AND I SMELL' all over his account. Something else we did was to steal his iPhone and phone the people on his contacts list, putting on funny accents and asking where the nearest toilet roll dispenser was, or how to get to Cannalooloo Bongarra. Oh, and we cancelled his internet connection. He got a bit annoyed about that.

We 'acquired' free first-class tickets on a plane back to Seattle (Travel tip: it helps if the vampires you are travelling with have connections). Needless to say, the flight back was a lot more pleasant than the flight over. Even walking through an airport with three paper-white, red-eyed vampires and a huge bulky flamethrower-looking-like package was interesting.

We arrived back in Seattle, told Miss Drew we were back and our relative had mysteriously got better. The dim-witted woman didn't see anything wrong with our story and sent us out again, supposedly to photograph buildings.

We met up with the Volturi behind a department store. They had the flamethrower, and the fake invitation to the Book of the Century Award Ceremony:

_Dear Stephenie Meyer,_

_Your _wonderful_ series, the Twilight Saga, has been selected for the Book of the Century Award. This prestigious award is only given to the _best_ of writers, and we are delighted to tell you that you have won a gold trophy and a lifetime's supply of book vouchers._

_The awards ceremony will be held at the Seattle Theatre at 7.00pm this Saturday. Please notify us if you are unable to attend._

_Yours, _

_The Book of the Century Award Team_

* * *

I had had a long talk with my family, and we'd eventually decided that it was time for me to tell the world the true story: how I was actually Stephenie Meyer. Although obviously we couldn't expose ourselves as vampires, I would tell the newspapers that I (still acting like my name was Stephenie Meyer – we couldn't reveal too much) was camera-shy and had decided to hire another person to act as myself, but had now decided to tell the truth. I'd make headline news of course – I could already see the headlines – 'Brave authoress tells public the true story', 'Stephenie Meyer revealed', 'Young Twilight author reveals herself to her avid readers!' – mmmm… I did so love being the focus of things.

To be truthful, it was partly the discovery of those two horrid girls in the department store which had sparked this. But I had always been reluctant to let someone else take my fame, so, really, it was all my doing.

* * *

We sent the fake invitation in the post to Renesmee. It was now Thursday. With two days to go till the 'awards ceremony', we had to make our final plans.

Mana and I got up fairly early on Friday morning. Our focus for the day was people. Taking pictures of random people walking past was not exactly my idea of fun, but having been away for about four days in Italy, we had to catch up on the work we'd missed.

As we walked out of the hotel we were staying in, we saw a newspaper vendor standing outside. His papers read something like: 'Twilight shocker – fake Stephenie revealed!'

We looked at each other, then hurried over and bought one. It was a cheap, colourful tabloid, called the Seattle Star, with all the usual celebrity gossip inside (and spelling mistakes), but we turned straight to the Twilight article.

_TWLIGHT SHOCKER!!!!_

_Multimillionaire Stephenie Meyer, author of the Twilight series, has been revealed to be a fake!!! Yesterday, a 14-year-old girl went to the offices of the Seattle Star and revealed herself to be the riter of the No. 1 bestselling series, the Twilight Saga. Miss Stephenie Meyer revealed that she was scared of crouds and had paid another woman to act as 'Stephenie Meyer'!! Our celeb correspondent, Miss X, interviewed the shy teenager:_

_Miss X: So, Stephenie, why did you decide to tell the world the truth?_

_SM: (smiles shyly) Well, I was tired of pretending a lie. I thought it was only fare that my loyal readers knew the truth. _

_We think your fab, Stephenie, whatever your like! We and our readers love you and Twilight!!_

_Exclusive: Turn to page 13 for an exclusive Stephenie Meyer make-up look!!!  
Turn to page 45 to win copies of New Moon!!!_

Renesmee had just made our job a lot harder – the paparazzi would be round her for weeks – but trust us when we say: she was going down.


	5. Preparation

The revealing of the 'real' Stephenie Meyer was in all the newspapers and on the TV news, all of Friday. It was quite annoying, actually. You couldn't walk down the street without seeing its face staring out of a newspaper, most often with sickening captions like 'The FAB Stephenie Meyer is revealed!' and 'The real Stephenie – brave, brainy, and beautiful!' Possibly the worst was that on the front cover of Hello! magazine: 'Be like Bella Swan – exclusive tips inside on getting a perfect Twilight life!'

Please, someone help me out here - in what way does being thrown into a glass table by your so-called boyfriend (who wants to drink your blood), threatened with death by angsty vampires, marrying your said boyfriend fresh out of high school, and having his mutant spawn kid (who rips your body apart), constitute a perfect life?

Well, I suppose it has quite a lot going for it... if you like your life being put in danger all the time? Then again, it's _true love_, so, perhaps it would be worth it...

Anyway, ghastly newspaper headlines aside, we set out for the Seattle Theatre to set up our trap for Miss Mutant Spawn. The Volturi money had paid for the hire of the theatre, so we could get ready for the big night. Our plan was as follows:

Step 1: Lure the horror and her family into the theatre by telling them there are lots of fans waiting inside.

Step 2: Seat the targets (Renesmee, Bella, Edward, Emmett, and Jasper) in flame-retardant chairs on stage (well, we didn't want to burn the theatre down, did we?)

Step 3: Seat the others (Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, Alice, and Jacob) in normal seats in the auditorium. With some of Aro's Volturi friends to guard them and stop them running away or trying to help the monsters.

Step 4: Bring out the flamethrower!

Step 5: Use the flamethrower...Need I say more...?

We laid out a red carpet, so the mutant spawn (a.k.a. Renesmee), the Mary Sue (a.k.a. Bella), and the pretty boy (a.k.a. Edward) would feel like proper celebrities, as opposed to freaks. We set up a fake trophy on the stage, with a pile of newspaper cut up into rectangles to look like book vouchers. We agreed that Marcus would pretend to be the Cullens' bodyguard, in order to 'protect them from the leagues of fans' (i.e. stop them escaping). We set up a large fireproof mat on the stage for the bonfire. We made a few last minute adjustments to our plan. We tested the flamethrower... now that was fun.

Mana still seemed determined to attach herself to Aro, who tried various ways of keeping her away (including dousing himself with stinky perfume, spraying her with water whenever she tried to come near, and tripping her up) but she still managed to hold his hand. I really, really pitied Aro.

At last, we were ready. Mana and I went back to our hotel to check our things for the following night. Mana had a major panic when she realised she didn't have anything to wear that would impress Aro (don't ask), so she dragged me round the shops finding every black gothic gown that they had in Seattle, asking "Do you think Aro will like it?" or the slightly more disturbing question "Do you think he likes me?"

I tried to be diplomatic, really I did, but it's quite hard to be diplomatic when your friend's trying to impress a God-knows-how-old perverted vampire, who has powdery white skin and red eyes, and likes to drink the blood of unsuspecting tourists. What can I say? She has strange tastes in men.

The letter from the horror, accepting the invitation to the awards ceremony, was waiting in our room when we got back, including the sickening lines, 'I hope there will be a LOT of fans there to see my triumph!' and 'I always knew that Twilight was destined for great things!'

The poor girl had swallowed our story straight away. Still, there was no time for pity. We had a horror to rid the world of.

* * *

I was rather excited about the awards ceremony. I had won Book of the Century! Well, I always knew that Twilight would one day get the recognition it deserves. After all, being written by me, how could it not?

I had trouble picking out a dress for the ceremony. In the end we had to fly to the Chanel headquarters and have a bespoke dress commissioned just for me. It was rather expensive, well over $50,000, but I think I'm worth it. Besides, it looks fabulous.

Friday was spent in a whirl of beauty salons, pamper treatment, and a half-hour session of signing with my fans, which I think was incredibly generous seeing that my time is far more precious than theirs.

By Friday night, I was pretty much ready for the big night. The limo for arriving in was ordered, the dress was made, the speech was written (OK, so maybe I went to a speechwriter for that, but I'm a busy person! And I did make a couple of amendments, so it was mostly my work).

All that was left to do for Saturday was my fake tan, massage, manicure, pedicure, hair, waxing, exfoliation, makeup, and false eyelashes. And Auntie Alice and Auntie Rosalie could do all that at home.

* * *

**A couple more reviews would be nice... Hopefully Renesmee's violent death will make its appearance next chapter...**

**Anything's welcome; constructive criticism, flames, even just a 'I like it, please update soon' is better than nothing.**


	6. Flamethrower!

Looking fabulous as usual, I stepped out of the hot-pink limousine that had been a present from one of my fans, and onto the red carpet. Cameras flashed as I made my way up, blowing kisses, smiling beautifully, and generally just looking gorgeous (as I always do, _obviously_. I just mean I looked extra-gorgeous). After having the last eight hours spent on beautifying myself, I looked and felt fabulous. Even the small group of fools who call themselves Twi-haters, waiting with eggs and flour outside the entrance to the Seattle Theatre (of course, my bodyguards arrested them right away), couldn't do much to damage my perfect mood. Tonight, _finally_, I was to be recognised for the glory I so obviously deserve.

* * *

We waited, nervous, backstage. Through a small, dirt-encrusted window which overlooked the entrance to the theatre, we could see the horror and her family making their way up the red carpet. Marcus greeted them at the entrance, handing the women enormous bouquets of roses and bowing obsequiously. Then they disappeared inside.

We had invited a load of random people off the street inside, filling the auditorium. This would make sure that darling Renesmee didn't feel like something was up.

Aro loomed up out of the darkness, avoiding Mana, who tried to grab his hand. We'd managed to find a rather mouldy-looking black dress, covered in gothic lace, which she was now wearing. Aro glanced at her, then did a double take and blushed, looking suddenly flustered.

"Oh... hello, Mana. You look wonderful tonight..." he stuttered.

Mana beamed and clung on to his hand. They were both gazing into each other's eyes when I decided it was time to break up the (disturbing) romance. I coughed, loudly.

Nothing happened.

I coughed again, waving my hand in between them. It seemed to work. Deliberately positioning myself between them, we made our way to the stage, keeping just behind the curtain. Renesmee, Bella, Edward, Emmett and Jasper were already seated on stage, with several Volturi behind them. The others were in the auditorium. Caius, ready to present the award, stood behind a lectern. This was it.

* * *

Oh. My. Renesmee. This was _so_ exciting! My fans had, of course, all gone wild when I entered. Making my way up to the stage, I saw several banners saying 'Stephenie Meyer We Heart You' and 'Twilight is the Best'. I knew I was the most beautiful, talented, selfless etc etc person there. A vaguely familiar pale-skinned man stood on stage. (Maybe I'd seen him on TV somewhere – after all, it made sense that celebrities would want to come and see me.) Standing up, he spoke into the microphone.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are _delighted_ to welcome Miss Stephenie Meyer to the Book of the Century awards ceremony!"

* * *

The crowd went wild as Caius introduced 'Stephenie Meyer'. Aro brought the flamethrower out from behind a store cupboard and we waited with bated breath for the signal.

Caius smiled evilly.

"Now, it is our absolute privilege to present Stephenie Meyer with a _special gift_..."

This was our signal. As the Volturi 'bodyguards' surrounded the Cullen vampires, Mana and I leapt out from behind the curtain, closely followed by Aro, holding the flamethrower. Aro pointed it at Renesmee, as Mana yelled, "If anyone moves, she gets it!"

The auditorium was suddenly, wonderfully, silent. Then Mana's voice broke the silence.

"Can I press the button?"

Aro looked at her fondly.

"Of course, my dear."

Before I had a chance to argue (I wanted to destroy the mutant spawn as well!), Mana had stepped forward and pressed the 'Fire' button on the flamethrower.

There was an enormous 'whumph' and Renesmee exploded in a ball of flame.

Aro, Mana and I looked at each other, grinned, and spoke at the same time.

"Awesome..."

"OK," I intervened. "I wanna set the others on fire."

Mana pouted. "All right... you can do Bella and Edward and then I'll do the rest... OK?"

I reluctantly agreed, and Aro handed over the flamethrower. Damn, it was heavy. I pointed it in the vague direction of Bella and Edward, and pressed the 'Fire' button again.

The resulting fireball was just as satisfying as the first, which was now settling into a pile of ashes on the floor.

Then it was Mana's turn to explode the last two on the list.

As soon as Jasper disappeared in flames, we did a little dance of victory round the pile of ashes which we had saved the world from, singing, "Ding dong, the wicked Sue is dead!" A good bit of the Wizard of Oz to end our flame-fest, and then we had to make our escape, before the fans came to their senses and attacked us. Also, being arrested for murder, possession of a dangerous weapon, etc etc, wasn't really on our plan.

* * *

**So what did you think? Reviews are greatly appreciated! (Yes, especially flames!)**


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